Tuesday, June 10
This morning, the day before Bennett's surgery, I knew I needed to count my blessings. There are so many. I am grateful for my precious children! I am forever grateful for their daily ability to cleanse and purge a stony heart. I like what Jim Gaffigan says about having children. Each one slowly chips away hardness from him, and softens his heart. So if he has a hundred kids, he just might turn into a good guy.
I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for our jobs.
I am grateful that we have nice cars with air conditioning! They make weathering the summer months more bearable. When we picked up my parents car they generously offered, I started crying on the drive back. I never thought I would have nice cars to drive.
I am grateful for my parents. I love their example of foregoing the next few years of ease and rest to serve valiantly as missionaries. I am grateful for their stories and journals.
I am so grateful to Steve's family, who are always supporting us. Steve's sister flew here from California last night just to help out!
I am grateful for my testimony. And I do have one. There have been a lot of frightening doubts and questions the last few weeks. Am I strong enough to do this? Will I have to be "so totally alone"? Does God even know where I am, and what's happening to me right now? ------>
Three days ago we were visited by a family who has gone through what we will experience, and more. They sat on our couch and handed us an envelope. There was $1,000 in it. Our jaws hit the floor. They told us they knew how scary it was to have a baby in the hospital. They told us they wanted continuous updates from the hospital. These are people in the middle of intense trials with their own precious little one's health! I am very grateful for their ability to be there for an anxious, sleepless family, and show so much love.
A sweet friend showed up one night with a single cinnamon roll on a solitary paper plate. It was for me only. She wanted to hear everything. What I was feeling, how I was standing there holding a newborn facing my future, what I would be needing, down to the very details of my life. I will never forget it. She had noted the day and time of our surgeon consult, and she called me before telling me she would be taking Darcy for the day. Mother Teresa came to my mind: Do small things with great love. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.
Who knew five older brothers would be such a comfort to the soul? One recent night I had a horrible nightmare, in which I was aware of the sound of incessant chainsaws. I didn't know where it was coming from. Suddenly I was standing in the OR with Bennett. It was such an awful nightmare.
Not long after, I got a voicemail from my big brother Sam. When we connected, I felt immediately at ease. He has that powerful impact on people. A contagious smile I could sense over the phone, and a laugh that scares away fear. I had another dream. Sam came to the hospital and took Darcy out to some batting cages and taught her how to hit. I woke up smiling, and was filled to the brim with peace. I love all of my brothers, and their families. They have fasted and prayed for our family. They have called and texted. There is a lot of power in that.
Ahh. I feel better already. I also feel dumb for crying in front of my computer. This is not even everything I could list here in my first post. I'm not really alone. Heavenly Father is aware of me. He knows my address, phone number, how many hairs are on my head! He knows my fears. He knows what I hope for--things no one else will ever know. I just can't stop praying. I won't stop praying.
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